He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
