There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
