You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
