I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
