3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
