Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
