Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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