I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...