Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
