My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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