I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
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Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
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It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?