I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
