called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
