"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
