Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
