can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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