Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
