Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
did i just pee glitter
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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