I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
