Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
