rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
