wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
