Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize
