The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
