he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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