Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
time to smoke my breakfast
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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