How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
