i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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