Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
