I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
