marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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