she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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