I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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