when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Dicks are not precious.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
