i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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