I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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