I am puke
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
