i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
