Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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