I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
