So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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