The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
