I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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