I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
