If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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