you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
do nipples grow back?
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