Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
