Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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