I checked into jail on foursquare
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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