The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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