wakey wakey hands off snakey
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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