life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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