Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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