I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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