Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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