he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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