I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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