So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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